A move to a new city and school. A sprained wrist from a bicycle fall. The loss of a pet. These common childhood experiences can create anxiety, physical pain, and emotional distress. Most children will experience one or more of these, or similar, events and often others that produce even greater difficulty and anguish—such as parents divorcing, a more serious injury, or the death of a family member. While these events can precipitate feelings that range from sadness and heartache to anxiety and fear, their effects are usually short-term, and most children move on (one hopes), especially if the events are managed successfully with support from nurturing and stable caregivers. If so, then the child grows from these experiences by developing new coping skills and resilience.

Sometimes, however, a stressful experience overwhelms the child’s natural ability to cope. In this case, the experience is categorized as trauma. What constitutes trauma, and what kinds of experiences bring it about? Why are some children more resilient when it comes to traumatic experiences, and what are the effects on those children who are unable to cope? How can parents help their children navigate traumatic experiences? We address these fundamental questions below.

What is Child Trauma and How Does it Impact Children?

The Northwestern University Center for Child Trauma Assessment, Services, and Intervention (CCTASI) defines child trauma as “a scary, dangerous, violent, or life threatening event that happens to a child (0 – 18 years of age) … [causing the child to] become very overwhelmed, upset, and/or feel helpless.” Potentially traumatic events include but are not limited to:

• Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)
• Neglect
• Effects of poverty (homelessness, food insecurity)
• Being separated from or loss of a loved one(s)
• Bullying (including cyberbullying)
• Domestic, school, or community violence
• Racism
• Discrimination
• Unpredictable parental/caregiver behavior due to addiction or mental illness
• Natural disaster(s)

According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, in many cases, children “recover quickly from a potentially traumatic experience with no lasting harm … [but] for other children, trauma interferes with normal development and can have long-lasting effects.” Trauma can impact children’s:

Body

• Inability to control physical response to stressful events
• Chronic illness, even into adulthood (e.g., obesity, heart disease)

Brain

• Difficulty thinking, learning, and concentrating
• Impaired memory
• Challenges switching from one thought or activity to another

Emotions

• Low self-esteem
• Feeling unsafe
• Inability to regulate emotions
• Difficulty forming attachments to caregivers
• Trouble with friendships
• Trust issues
• Depression, anxiety

Behavior

• Lack of impulse control
• Fighting, aggression, running away
• Substance abuse
• Suicide

The CCTASI notes that, “Not all overwhelming or life threatening experiences are considered traumatic. Children interpret their unique experiences differently. A life experience that is traumatic for one child might not be traumatic for another.” The outcome is largely contingent on the child’s ability to cope, their degree of resiliency, as demonstrated by their stress response.

Stress Response and Signs of Trauma

The Harvard University Center on the Developing Child emphasizes the distinction between three kinds of stress response (note the emphasis on the response, as opposed to the stressful experience itself):

• Positive stress response – a short-term stress response triggered, for example, by the first day with a new caregiver, or anticipating an injected immunization. This is “a normal and essential part of healthy development, characterized by brief increases in heart rate and mild, temporary elevations in hormone levels.”
• Tolerable stress response – a greater, longer-lasting stress response to a more severe event (e.g., the loss of a loved one, a frightening injury, or a natural disaster). The potentially damaging effects of the stress response are averted when it is “time-limited and buffered by healthy relationships with supportive adults” (emphasis added).
• Toxic stress response – a damaging stress response created “when a child experiences strong, frequent, and/or prolonged adversity (e.g., physical or emotional abuse, chronic neglect, caregiver substance abuse or mental illness, exposure to violence, long-term family economic hardship) without adequate adult support“ (emphasis added). Brain development and other organ systems can be disrupted by a long-term stress response, which can “increase the risk of stress-related disease and cognitive impairment, well into the adult years” and even throughout one’s lifetime.

Depending on the child’s age, trauma is manifested by a range of behavioral changes. Signs of trauma in children can include, for example:

In young children (ages 0 – 5)

• Tantrums
• Clinginess
• Irregular activity levels
• A delay of developmental milestones

In school-age children (ages 6 – 12)

• Attentional difficulties
• Excessive sadness or wanting to be alone
• Fighting at school or home
• Unexplained headaches or stomach aches

Teenagers (ages 13 – 18)

• Excessive sleeping
• Eating disorders
• Risky behavior, such as use/abuse of drugs and alcohol, running away

(See Table 2, Signs of Trauma in Children of Different Ages, for a more inclusive range of possible behaviors.)

Any significant and unexplained change in behavior, routines, and habits that seems irrational or extreme should alert parents to the possibility that the child may be experiencing trauma. If so, and if these signs go unrecognized for what they are, parents (or school staff or mental health professionals) may misinterpret the troubling behavior, with attempts to correct it proving ineffective or even harmful. Trauma symptoms, in fact, “may overlap with specific mental health diagnoses,” such as ADHD (including the inattentive type), anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and developmental delay. Understanding that behavior irregularities may be rooted in trauma and recognizing these as a possible stress response to trauma, can help parents support their child’s healing, the child-parent relationship, and the health of the entire family.

How to Help Your Child

The Child Welfare Information Gateway recommends the following guidelines for helping your child manage and recover from a traumatic event:

• Identify trauma triggers. A seemingly harmless word, tone, or action may be a trigger with neither parent nor child realizing it. “Watch for patterns of behavior and reactions that do not seem to ‘fit’ the situation.” Help your child avoid situations that produce these responses.
• Be emotionally and physically available. “Some traumatized children act in ways that keep adults at a distance (whether they mean to or not).” Follow your child’s lead, be patient, and “provide attention, comfort, and encouragement in ways your child will accept.”
• Respond, don’t react. “Your reactions may trigger a child or youth who is already feeling overwhelmed. When your child is upset, do what you can to keep calm: Lower your voice, acknowledge your child’s feelings, and be reassuring and honest.”
• Avoid physical punishment. This may create increased anxiety, stress, and panic. “Parents need to set reasonable and consistent limits and expectations and use praise for desirable behaviors.”
• Don’t take behavior personally. Help your child find acceptable ways of identifying and expressing their feelings and recognize that your child sees you as a safe outlet, not as their target. “Allow the child to [experience their] feelings without judgment.”
• Listen. Allow children to talk as they are ready, but don’t force a conversation. On the other hand, “don’t avoid difficult or uncomfortable conversations … take their reactions seriously, correct any misinformation about the traumatic event, and reassure them that what happened was not their fault.”
• Help your child learn to relax. “Encourage your child to practice slow breathing, listen to calming music, or make positive statements like, “I am safe now.”
• Be consistent and predictable. Your child will benefit from “a regular routine for meals, play time, and bedtime” as well as from being prepared “in advance for changes or new experiences.”
• Be patient. Allow for and respect your child’s course of recovery. “Everyone heals differently from trauma, and trust does not develop overnight.”
• Allow some control. Give your child “reasonable, age-appropriate choices [which] encourage a sense of having control of [their] own life.”
• Encourage self-esteem. Help your child set and achieve goals, master a new skill, or join a community group or cause. “Positive experiences can help children recover from trauma and increase resilience.”

Resilience: The Key to Overcoming Adversity

We noted in an earlier section that the same experience may be traumatic for one child, but not for another. According to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, the key to successfully navigating adverse circumstances is resilience, defined as “that ability or set of capacities for positive adaptation allowing you to keep in balance,” or more simply, “a good outcome in the face of adversity.” The Center describes resilience through the metaphor of a balance scale or seesaw:

Protective experiences and coping skills on one side counterbalance significant adversity on the other. Resilience is evident when a child’s health and development tips toward positive outcomes—even when a heavy load of factors is stacked on the negative outcome side (see related video here).

According to the Harvard Center, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” Such relationships provide scaffolding and protection while the child “build[s] key capacities” enabling them “to respond adaptively and thrive.” (Readers may be interested in this resource video library which includes a series of informative videos on brain development in children, toxic stress, and helping children build resilience.)

In addition to supportive adult-child relationships, counterbalancing factors that tip the scale to positive outcomes for children include:

• A sense of self-efficacy and perceived control
• Adaptive skills and self-regulatory capacities
• Sources of faith, hope, and cultural traditions

Helping children to develop these relationships and skills, together with recognizing the signs of trauma and the manner in which one’s child responds, is part and parcel of good parenting. At the same time, we cannot neglect the fact that events at school—bullying, racism, discrimination, exposure to violence, and COVID-19, for example—are often at the root of a child’s trauma. Therefore, schools too have a large role to play in supporting children’s healthy emotional development—including the development of resilience—not only through practices that promote equity and inclusion through cultural responsiveness, but also those that foster, in general, a safe and nurturing anti-biased antiracist learning environment.

In a final word from the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, we are reminded that not all stress is harmful:

Learning to cope with manageable threats is critical for the development of resilience … There are numerous opportunities in every child’s life to experience manageable stress—and with the help of supportive adults, this “positive stress” can be growth-promoting. Over time, we become better able to cope with life’s obstacles and hardships, both physically and mentally.

About the Author

Cynthia Brunold-Conesa, MEd, is an educator of adult learners at two AMS teacher education programs. She has 23 years experience as a lead guide at the Elementary and middle school levels. Cynthia also publishes on a variety of Montessori topics. She is AMS credentialed (Elementary I – II). Contact her at cynthia.conesa@meipn.org .

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The opinions expressed in Montessori Life are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the position of AMS.